1. Clint never doesn't make me cry. Ever. How much did you love his silvery-bronzy bowtie? And the gallant reference he made to Meryl Streep's being "ageless... but Jack and Clint? That remains to be seen." And the way he said he needed to "pay my respects to the great Ken Watanabe" -- oh, Clint. Every time he speaks, the tears roll down my face.
2. Were Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore making out backstage just before presenting the award for best soundtrack? I can't think of any other reason for their hairstyles, or lack thereof. (Ugh, I typed "Hugh Laurie" by mistake. Drew had better not touch him.)
3. Why was Drew Barrymore there?
4. Smooth move, Timberlake. You'd be nobody without Prince, but that has probably never occurred to you. PS, I've been meaning to say this for months now -- thanks for bringing sexy back! What a relief that's been.
5. Why was Jennifer Love Hewitt there?
6. Yay, America Ferrera!!! There were no dry eyes in my house.
7. I never cease to be amused by the way people are seated at these things. "Over on the left, we have Table of Latins. Sexy Latins! Latins from all corners of the globe! Salma, Penelope, America, Jimmy Smits, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony and muchos, muchos otros! Muy sexy! On the right, African-American folk. Eddie Murphy, Beyoncé, Jada and Will, Prince, Jamie Foxx, Terence Howard, and all the rest! They're keepin' it real, yo! Over in the corner, the pasty white Brits: Jeremy Irons, Helen Mirren, That Girl From The Devil Wears Prada, Sienna Miller (okay, those last two, not so pasty), Ben Kingsley (he's kind of tan as well -- well, he did play Gandhi) and several other people with accents that make the rest of us feel stupid. Finally, front and center, we have the Old [White] Guard: Meryl Streep, crazy old Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening, et cetera, et cetera, and so on. Wait, what? Oh yes, the random Asians. Uh... stick them with Eastwood."
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the actual conversations regarding seating never stray very far from that.
8. Dear Tom Hanks, don't ever say "balls" FIVE times in a row, when referring to Warren Beatty's anatomy. Also, your hair sucks them. The balls, I mean. Please do something about that.
9. Sorry about that last one. But Tom Hanks drove me to it. Also, it's true about his hair. Come on.
10. Jeremy Irons' shirt was awesome. Those were Red Hots he was using for buttons, weren't they? Well, he looks amazing every single time. He's like a big sexy cat.
11. Did I just say a big sexy cat? Well, he is.
12. Speaking of sexy: Terence Howard. Fiiiiiine. I only say this because I know some of you were worried that I may have changed my stance on this since last year's Oscars. I can assure you: I have not.
13. Bill Nighy is Jarvis Cocker from the future.
14. Special message to Warren Beatty: just stop talking.
15. I'm turning it off now, as there's not much of if left that I care about. Also, because while Hugh Laurie was accepting his award, I was upstairs trying to convince my son to sleep. I'd like to thank God for YouTube.