You say tomAYto, I bite your head off

Dear Fellow Americans,

Please stop referring to the city of Melbourne, Australia, as "Melbin."
Here's why: it's called "Melbourne," and you, rather fittingly, speak with an American accent. Thus, reason would dictate that your pronunciation would sound more or less like "MEL-burn." Because even if you are Southern and don't really believe in the letter R, it still would not sound like "Melbin," now, would it? Wouldn't it be something along the lines of "Mehhhl-buhhhhn"? Well, I can tell you what it shouldn't sound like. It shouldn't sound like "Melbin."

You people married to Aussies, you're not off the hook, either. Stop it. It makes you sound like you're putting on airs, like you're soooo in with the Aussies that you are practically one of them, don't you know, and also makes you seem very Sweetie Dahling, you know? Plus, the awesome bonus of no one knows what you are talking about because we the people don't really believe in learning geography, do we? Also, it makes it disconcertingly difficult for me not to put on the worst impersonation of the Crocodile Dundee guy for you and insist you throw another shrimp on the barbie, JUST TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE ON LIKE EIGHT DIFFERENT LEVELS. And it doesn't need to come to that, does it? That benefits no one.

Love,
Emma